Meditation Games Diary: 2/8/19

Missing someone hurts, but it hurts more to think that you shouldn’t miss them. Andrew Yolland’s Meditations game is about him missing someone who passed away, and how he is not sure if he deserves to be missing them because he believes he could have been a better friend. Out of all Meditations games, this one hurt the most. I related to this so much, and it was painful to read the description of the game.

When you lose a friend, it is completely normal to look back on the time you had with them and think about what you could have done to make their life better. My friend passed away in May of 2017. During that time, I remembered the days where I would see her in class but didn’t talk to her, and how I didn’t attempt to strengthen our friendship in high school because I thought we were different people then.

She was a very close friend of mine during my elementary and middle school years. She was always so kind, funny, and had a wonderful view of the world. She was so inspiring and unique. When she moved away and came back, she was still the same person, but she had new friends who I did not know, and that made me believe that there was no way to attempt to become as close as we were earlier in my life. I was not very smart.

When she passed away, it hurt so much, but I did not get any help through the crisis team that was in school that day because I did not think that I deserved to be sad, and every time I saw one of her close friends breaking down in the hallway, it made me feel like my pain was not that bad. Then the claims of fake grief took over discourse for a couple days.

People sometimes take advantage of times like these in schools. Students leave their classroom feeling no pain while telling the teacher that they have to leave due to their sadness even though they did not even know the person who passed away. I did not want to be seen as that type of person, so I sat down and shut up throughout the weeks after she passed away. I held everything in, and then at night I would lay in bed, cry out, and silently apologize to the ghost of my friend for not being better to her.

In today’s game, you wake up and grab a flower outside that you bring to the resting place of your friend. You place the flower on their tombstone and their ghost appears at your side when the game ends. By the end of the game, tears were rolling down my cheeks as I remembered how hecking difficult the last two years have been. I hope that other people connected with Yolland’s game as much as I did because it is good to know that we can be hurting together.

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